Internal dialog: managing attitude and happiness through the stories we tell

All of us have some sort of mental frame, an internal voice that presents a constant stream of discussion. Some people are able to quiet this chatter and just be present, but much of the time being aware of the chatter is part of bring present. If you can pay attention to some of this chatter, you can start to become aware of the messages you tell yourself, and the world, about yourself and the world. These messages have power, and reinforce your thinking and your attitude. You can change your thinking by changing your message.

I first became really aware of this power when I learned about cognitive-behavioral therapy. (This is sometimes abbreviated as "CBT", but beware of this abbreviation because it can have other meanings that are sometimes not safe for work or polite conversation.)

One basic practice of cognitive-behavioral therapy is to become aware of one's thinking in certain scenarios, then work through some alternative thoughts to step into an alternative thinking pattern when you find yourself falling into a familiar and destructive thinking pattern. (Such self-awareness is sometimes called "mindfulness" but I think self-awareness is more understandable wording.)

I worked with this most specifically many years ago when I worked through some social anxiety and depression. A lot of the root of that for me turned out to be perfectionism. When I learned to give that up and to redirect the messages I was telling myself, I became a lot happier. Of course I still tell myself negative messages sometimes, as I think everyone does. But I try to catch when I do and then disagree and turn around those statements. For instance:

• "I'm no good" becomes "I'm a good person, I've done my best in the circumstances I've had, and I will keep trying to do better."
• "I'm worthless" becomes "I have worth just for being me, and I value what I do have in life."
• "I'm a failure" becomes "I have accomplished a lot and I can and will do more and better."

In any of these cases, I'm not trying to force myself into unrealistic or fake attitudes. I'm trying to remind myself instead to take a bigger and more charitable view, in order to continue to be ambitious and aware of details without being unnecessarily negative.

Years of practicing this sort of mental judo has started to make me aware of others who tell themselves similar negative messages. I'm especially concerned about the way societies may lead some people to internalize negative messages that they may repeat to themselves over and over. In the last few weeks, there have been two women in my life who have said, "I'm so stupid," while we were discussing something. These women are clearly not stupid, and I tried to point this out to them when they said this. They both said they were joking, but such jokes still cut. You say something like that enough and you start to believe it. You start to believe something like that and then you start to limit your choices and your life, and ultimately undermine your potential. I don't know where these people got the idea to start telling themselves that they're stupid, but I worry that it's a symptom of inequality that women face in society, that two intelligent and immensely capable women from disparate aspects of my life would internalize and repeat such a message to themselves.

In broader life, your words about others matter too. You spend all your time judging others and complaining about other people: congratulations, you're a judgmental whiner. You spend all your time criticizing others, and all others will know of you is that you're critical and negative. In the limited time you have to walk the Earth, people will know you for what you do and what you say. How do you want them to know you?